Violence and Abuse

Daily Dingleberry 08-22-2012 Raising the Age of Consent to 18

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School is supposed to be safe. Make it so.

I feel for the mother of the minor 16 year old girl accusing Baptist Pastor, Norman Willacey, of having an inappropriate sexual relationship with her child, a student under his tutelage and guidance for years at the Belmopan Baptist High School. She has appealed to all the people in authority she believes can help her seek justice but sadly, it’s been slow in coming. As of right now, the Baptist Church still hasn’t made a decision despite the mountain of evidence piled against him, including his own strange confession.

What I have an issue with is the proposal to raise the age of consent from 16 to 18. I believe that this is not the issue which needs to be confronted, not now, not ever. This is a knee jerk action designed to put a mother’s feelings of frustration and helplessness to rest. It is a move that, if pursued, will only create a false sense of security for parents because the truth is, predators don’t give a damn about laws. They will do the do no matter what. What will happen is you are going to criminalize the normal behaviour of young girls and boys who are experimenting with their sexuality all the while ignoring the real problem we face: abuse of power by people in authority.

This case is not about the sexual relationship between the pastor and the young girl. That is actually the symptom of a much larger, more entrenched societal attitude towards women and others deemed “less than”. It is about the power differential that exists between anyone who has any sort of authority over another: employer vs employee; minister vs voter; pastor vs believer; parent vs child; teacher vs student; adult vs minor. When circumstances create an imbalance of power, it is imperative that the person with perceived power exercise extreme caution NOT to abuse it. In other words, he/she must behave in an ethical manner so as to not exploit someone perceived to be the more vulnerable in the relationship.

How would changing the age of consent do anything about any of that? We need to understand that this is not about sex at all. It is about an adult abusing trust that was placed in his authority and position in the community. He didn’t only hurt this girl and her family, he hurt everyone who ever sought his guidance and revered his intentions. What we need are better sexual harassment laws period.

Please don’t jump on this bandwagon. I apologize to mom in advance but I firmly stand by this assertion.

Daily Dingleberry 05-31-12 Blame the Victim PLEASE

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She is someone’s child

This picture is going around ..not sure who she is or even if she is Belizean, American or what. Most people are sympathetic but many myths and simply wrong information is being perpetuated as well. One person said that the reason it keeps happening is because the women tolerate it and don’t press charges….

I have serious beef with this one.

There is a psychological process going on here that is being willingly ignored. A woman doesn’t grow up thinking “I’m going to marry an abuser when I grow up.” Even if she is in a home where she witnesses violence, she is hoping for someone who loves her and will care for her. So when this person, in whom she has placed her trust, to whom she has made a commitment, pledged her love, starts to hurt her, she is confused, betrayed and embarrassed.  She is ashamed because she believed that she was a smart person who “knows better” and makes good decisions. So at first she may hide it and not tell anyone because she hopes it is just a  one time thing….a phase, it will go away.

And then she has children with him and they can have a decent life with Christenings and Easter vacations, Christmas gifts and Valentine dinners. All the while, she is being beaten and told she is worthless. He isolates her from her friends, calls her a whore if she wants to go out with them. He tells her she can’t talk to so and so because she is a bad influence. Before you know it, she doesn’t even go to visit her mother because he accuses her of neglecting her duties as a wife. Soon, she doesn’t have time anyway because he expects a clean house, three meals a day and the kids must be clean and in bed on time.

He monitors everything…her cell phone…who is she talking to? who is she texting? why shi di waste time pan facebook? Even if she works, he might confiscate her paycheck or make it impossible for her to save anything because he spends it on liquor, electronics, gambling, friends.

Everything about her is attacked: her independence, her intelligence, her capabilities, her security, her mental and emotional well being, her identity. This is the woman you want to go to the police station and tell her story to a bunch of untrained bullies? When they arrest the abuser, he threatens her in front of them but they do nothing? She is frightened that he will come after her and her children. He promises to kill her when he is released on bail. Where is she supposed to go? How is she supposed to feed her children? Pay the mortgage?

Everyone has a lot to say. I will help you. You need to leave him. Have some pride. How can you let someone do this to you?

The problem is who will be there in the wee hours of the night when every creak and whisper makes her jump? afraid he has come to make good on his promise?

My aunt-in-law went to live with my uncle and  aunt in the hopes that they could protect her. She left her son with the man who married her at 14, raped her everyday and punished her by making her sit on a hot comal, bare assed. He came for her in the middle of the day when my aunt and uncle had gone to run some errands. He slit her throat and sliced her belly open in front of his 4 year old son and his two nieces. They watched as my mother scooped up my aunt’s guts and press them back into her abdomen until they could get her to the hospital. She lived but only because my uncle could afford to send her to Jamaica to recover and also make sure that my other uncle was prosecuted and sent to jail….

Most people don’t have that and still…she almost died anyway.

We just don’t have the proper supports set up to protect those who need it most. The most we can do is help each other on a one on one level. Don’t hang with people you know are abusive…shun them…make them know you disapprove. You men who like to say that the women deserve it because they stay…go yell at the guy beating her…tell him you are watching him and that YOU won’t tolerate HIM. You women who sleep with them knowing what they do to their wives, just don’t…tell them you deserve better. Raise sons to respect people. Raise daughters to fight for themselves. Be part of a community movement to address and confront this issue because in the end…it will affect all of us in some way. And stop blaming the victim. Please.

Daily Dingleberry 04-25-12 The Great Equalizer

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No Escape

In life, they were mortal enemies. In death, they lay side by side for such is the great equalizing force of DEATH.

There is much controversy surrounding the deaths of rival gang leaders Pinky and Arthur Young…Some are vehemently unsympathetic while others seem to be almost trying to turn them in to martyrs.

What are the lessons we should be learning? Are they being lost in all the anti-government/anti-police sentiment?

Let’s remember something: when you choose the lifestyle, you choose the consequences. It is sad. People will die. There will be violence. People will mourn.

My brother’s best friend who grew up like a brother in our household, was a drug dealer. He crossed the wrong people and he was beaten and then set on fire…he left behind a young son who I have never seen again. I assume he and his mother are in hiding. I was so angry with him for doing this to himself, his family, our family and it was right before my wedding….HORRIBLE….that was not even the end of the story…other people died, went to jail, were deported…lives were destroyed and families were torn apart.

I know first hand, the life of drugs and gangs. When they have met what seems to be an inevitable end, we, who are left behind, have to deal with the pain and sorrow, threats and fear of retaliation.

I can only hope that the youth who are watching and learning, see that in the end, there is only one end.

Daily Dingleberry 04-13-12 Women vs Men

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Look how well that fits 🙂

There is a presumption many make about women: we don’t get along but men do. Women don’t like each other; all we do is gossip and fight and compete agaist each other instead of working with each other. Men don’t hold grudges; they aren’t emotional so make better teams; they get ish done (rolling my eyes on this one: sorry guys, but you rule the world and yeah….’nuff said).

I disagree. I think that the relationships are different in nature which leads to particular challenges. What do I mean? Men appear to get along because they keep it superficial. Can you imagine a conversation that goes: “And how did it make you feel when the boss touched your ass?” Not gonna happen.

So women and their relationships are under a lot more stressors than their male counterparts which may seem compromise productivity at times. For a brief history read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women’s_rights   So, evolutionarily speaking, perhaps this is exactly the kind of dissonance and discord which needs to take place in order to strengthen our understanding of each other so that we can develop better resolution of problems facing our society: domestic violence, equal pay etc.

What does this mean in the world of politics? A LOT. If men are unwilling to delve into the effects certain issues have on the quality of life of women and children, these issues get pushed into the background and are ignored. It is proven that societies in which women enjoy greater independence, access to education, representation in court etc are stronger economically.

It would seem then, instead of seeing things in a negative light, let’s learn from each other to find an optimum level of respect, understanding and good intentions so that we can all contribute to the growth of our society. Don’t blame women. Don’t blame men. We are the victims of our history BUT we are in control of our future so be grown and act accordingly.