URGENT BREAKING NEWS:
CHURCHES TO PROTEST HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE
Say they have uncovered a sinister GAY agenda!
HATELINE: Belmopan, Belize
Several hundred fundamentalist Christians calling themselves Belize Overeaction are today preparing to protest a heterosexual marriage due to what they consider to be a subversive move to promote the gay agenda.
According to one of Belize Overreaction’s leaders, Pastor Scott Squirm, reliable information has been received that homosexuals in Belize are about to use traditional marriage to legalize sodomy. “I was praying over the whole issue of marriage and asking the Lord to strike fear into the hearts of people who think marriage should be for anyone other than good Christian folk of opposite sexes” Squirm claims, “when Jesus Himself told me about a homosexual abomination that was about to go down in our God fearing Christian nation!” The abomination Squirm is referring to is the pending nuptials of Florita Tek and Leopold Batty, planned for this weekend in the nation’s capital of Belmopan. “NOT ON OUR WATCH!! NO SIR-REE!!!” declared Squirm, using FULL CAPS and no less than SIX exclamation points to emphasize exactly how serious this matter is to the moral fabric of Belize. “We are mobilizing all self appointed leaders, all unelected moral arbiters, and any Christian that fits in to our narrowly defined Body of Christ to join us in putting a stop to latest attempt to force the gay agenda on our heterosexual fundamentalist Christian nation!!!”
What has Squirm’s proverbial panties in a bunch is not the marriage but the metaphorical love child that may result if Tek and Batty are allowed to wed. “Oh, they say they love each other, that they just want to get married and start a family and that sounds all good, right? That’s what the Lord wants for all us, right? So how could this be a bad thing?” asks Squirm. Good questions indeed, but as Squirm, who considers himself to be Belize’s foremost expert on morality and faith explained, the DEVIL is in the details. “We only just found out that Miss Florita Tek plans to hyphenate her name after marriage. If these two are allowed to marry she will LEGALLY be TEK-BATTY!!! Just like that, one quick trip to the altar, by two obvious homosexual sympathizers, and TEK BATTY will be completely legal in Belize!!! Forget about Section 53!! Forget about the Chief Justice!! The next thing you know Halo Orzoco will be the marriage commissioner and the only place people will be allowed to celebrate their wedding will be Chap’s restaurant. Oh, you don’t like Mexican food… BAM!! Instant lawsuit!! It’s happening in Canada, it’s happening in France, but we are saying NO it’s not going to happen here!!! We have to stop this wedding for sake of our kids!!!!”
Joining Squirm in leading the protest over the Tek-Batty ceremony is Sir Professor Pastor Political Advocate Patdick Menzies, Esq. Claiming to hold an advanced degree in Matrimonial Sciences from an on-line university, Professor Patdick says he has even greater concerns about the Tek Batty wedding. “As an expert in marriage and what God commands for women inside a marriage I can not stand by and let this abomination occur. God gets very angry when women hyphenate their name. Its not just part of the gay agenda, this business of hyphenating names is rooted in the feminist pro-abortion movement. We know for a fact that women who hyphenate their names are 10 times more likely to get an abortion or talk back to their husbands. It offends God, it offends me, and therefore it must offend all Belizeans.” Patdick went on to explain the illegality of combining surnames. “As we all know, the Bible is the supreme law in Belize. Well have consulted several Christians in our organization who can Google stuff, so we are getting sound legal advice here, and our research has shown that that if a woman hyphenates her last name, or worse, keeps her maiden name, then that marriage is simply not legal. We don’t need a Marriage Act when we already have 1 Corinthians 11:3.”
Like any good Holy Trinity there is a third player in the Tek Batty controversy. Popular TV talk show host Louis Hades agrees with both Squirm and Patdick that the Tek-Batty affair is an obvious attempt by Anti-Christ agents to force the gay lifestyle on the Belizean people. However, for Louis Hades the issue has created a personal conflict that he is struggling to come to terms with. “Jesus commands us to hate the sin but love the sinner, well I can say I definitely love Batty” says Hades who has known the groom-to-be since his days as a high school science teacher. “Don’t even get me started because I could talk about Batty all day long. Fans of my morning talk show probably notice I do tend to discuss Batty a lot, praise be to Jesus. Sometimes I can’t even sleep at night because all I can think about is Batty”, gushed the former pastor. But despite Louis Hades’ affinity for Batty, he says for the sake of righteousness he has no problem taking a public position that is so obviously juxtaposed with his personal feelings. “For the sake of the nation I must repress my own love for Batty and publicly denounce this marriage. I, Louis M. Hades Jr., will not allow Tek-Batty to be legalized in Belize.”
Belize Overreaction expects to bring several hundred of their prayer warriors to protest the Tek-Batty wedding this weekend. “We will be sending buses from some of the most isolated villages in Belize” boasted Squirm, “We’ve reached out to our brothers and sisters in Christ in many villages where there is no radio, no television and no Internet. In fact many of these villagers don’t understand more than a few words of basic English, but God is great and all these good Christians needed to hear was BUS-BELMOPAN-WEDDING and they gave us a resounding AMEN, Let’s Go!!!”
Belize Overreaction says they wont rest in the fight to keep homosexuality out of Belize even once they thwart the union and future happiness of Florita Tek and Leopold Batty. “This is bigger than any Tek Batty issue. This is about keeping Belize on the righteous path that I want for this nation” vows Squirm. “Look, not everyone can speak with or on behalf of God, but the Lord loves Belize so much that He blessed this nation with someone like me who does.”
As of press time Neither Tek or Batty were available for comment.
just in case it is not completely obvious, the above article is a work of satire. Names were changed to protect the innocent 🙂